White Memories
by DemonessRaven
Summary: MANGAVERSE London was destroyed,there isn't a soul alive.It's Christmass eve and Integra starts to remember.... Welcome back,Count...I'm back home Countess...What painful memories will that white night bring? AFTER MILLENIUM WAR, BEFORE ROMANCIA.AXI


Well Hello people!!! I'm Raven, I'm from Argetina and this is my first try in english fanfiction! This is a translation from my fic Memorias Blancas. There were no beta readers so it might be a disaster xD I don't know if it will cause the same feeling as in spanish, but well, here it is!!

**The timeline of this fanfic is between chapter 94 and Romancia, so if you didn't read the whole manga...get the hell out of here and read it first! n,n**

**I do not own Hellsing...if that were the case some character would be younger xD**

_Whats written like this is flashback!!!_

Enjoy!

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**White Memories**

_**By Demoness Raven **_

White. White was the cover that lay over the remains of what used to be London. But that cover was stained with blood and ash. Months had passed after the slaughter that Millenium had caused and the place still looked like Hell. With the winter's arrival it was now a frozen abyss. The howls of the thousands souls that were trapped there could be heard in the wind, repeating their last agonic cries over and over again. It was Christmas Eve but who would like to celebrate something in that dead city? Anyone who had lived through the carnage and had the will to continue living would never be able to believe again that there was a God or any entity in charge to protect human beings.

However, in the middle of that pale darkness, there was a little light shining, coming from the ruins of what had been a very important organization. It would be a sad joke to say that Hellsing still stood, but for Integra Hellsing that was what had kept and would keep her alive: it was her pride, her blood and her duty. During those months all she did was to hunt down and kill all the ghouls and vampires that were left. It could have been an easy work, once upon a time. But now armed only with her saber, what was left in the weapon reserve at the manor and her will, it could take her years to finally free London from those ungodly souls that corrupted everything. She wasn't all alone though. Seras Victoria, who was now a complete vampiress, had had the option to leave, but she decided to stay. She wanted to help her new Mistress, in memorial of her Master and she kept saying that he would come back. Integra tried no to listen to her silly hopes because she knew, deep inside her soul, that she wanted to believe that Alucard would come back. She was no fool, Alucard always answered for her call, _always_; and if he hadn't appeared until that moment it meant that he would never appear at all…

They had decided to take a rest for that night. It wasn't like they were attacked by Christmas spirit but Seras needed to go hunting because there was no medical blood left and there was nothing alive in that place, save from the young knight. Integra secretly thanked for this opportunity to relax, for her wounds were still open and she was having a hard time getting used to her reduced visibility caused by the loss of her eye. She returned to her room after she was sure that there were no intruders. It took her a while but in the end she could light a fire in the fireplace, despite the humid weather. She got up and looked around. Her bedroom was one of the few rooms that remained intact; it was like a gift and a cruel mockery at the same time. The place was neat and clean and it reminded her of what her life used to be. For a moment it looked like nothing had changed, that Walter would nock and enter with her linden tea so she wouldn't have troubles to fall asleep. She clenched her fists without realizing it when she remembered her butler. He was the one who had raised her as if she were his own child, who had trained her, protected and served her during her twenty three years of life… and who had also abandoned and betrayed her.

She looked at herself in the mirror. There she was, standing in the middle of the room, dressed with her suit, her weapons around her waist, trying to keep her haughty appearance as the last proud descendant of the Hellsing family… Who was she trying to impress? Who was she trying to fool? She was alone now. All her loved ones and those who had sworn to protect her had left her at some point in her life. Her mother, her father, her queen, Walter, even her God; and now _he_, Alucard had also disappeared in the darkness. In an outburst of anger she hit the mirror with her fist, breaking it into a thousand pieces. She then tried to control her breathing, ignoring the pain in her hand that was starting to bleed. She had to recover the control over her emotions; she should not loose her cold reasoning now. She needed to relax so she walked with firm steps toward the cabinet where she kept the whisky and her cigarettes. When she opened the little door she stood frozen in her place. Next to the whisky bottle was a bottle of red wine that she used to keep for some special occasions. She and Alucard would sit together and have some glasses during happy holidays (as that night should be) and during her father's death anniversaries… She shook her head, coming back to reality. She didn't want to be carried away by the feeling of sadness that threatened to overcome her other feelings; she hated to feel weak. She would have two whisky glasses and would go to sleep she told herself, didn't want to hear about memories and silly thoughts. Despite her decision she couldn't take her eyes off the wine bottle, its content was red like blood…like _his_ eyes. The barriers that held her feelings started to break when she took, with shaking hands, the bottle and a glass and walked as in a dream towards the little table that was in front of the fireplace. She filled the glass and drunk it in one gulp, feeling how the liquid went down through her throat, calming her down. It was starting to get hot so she took of her jacket, the holster, the saber and the silver cross then she unbuttoned the first two buttons of her shirt. Integra decided that her glasses where enough protection from the faint firelight so she took of the eye patch she had over her left eye. She refilled the glass and sank into the chair, her eyes watched as the fired consumed but her mind was somewhere far away.

_¨Welcome back home, Count¨_

_¨I'm back home, Countess¨ _

She smiled sadly and ironically when she remembered that scene. Chopped and impaled bodies where everywhere and kneeling in front of her was Alucard, her knight in the shiny armor. That was what she had thought of him when he had rescued her from her greedy uncle, and that childish thought passed again trough her mind when she saw him arriving from the sea to save her again. He wasn't a vampire in a rusty armor; he really was a Count wearing a shining armor. It wasn't the first time he had called her _Countess_, and the meaning behind that word was not unknown to her.

_It was Christmas Eve and all London was celebrating, including the Hellsing Organization._ _All the Hellsing men had the day off to be with their families or to get drunk together in a pub. This left the manor and its surroundings empty. Walter insisted in decorating the place anyway and he had even put up an enormous Christmas tree in the main hall. Then he cooked a generous dinner for him and Integra. Alucard used to accompany them with some blood or even a dish if he was in the mood. Usually they would stay discussing Hellsing issues until late night while having a tea, but this time was different. Walter had a sister who had passed away recently and he wanted to spend Christmas with his nice so he had to travel that night. He had asked Sir Integra if she wanted to travel along with him, but she rejected the offer, somebody had to stay and take care of the place and vampires did not celebrate Christmas. Or that was what she had thought. But in the end, even monsters wanted their quality time and as a consequence a bored Lady Hellsing was left alone with nothing better to do than filling paperwork. She tried to see the bright side, a least she was alone with her own thoughts. It had been a long time since she had a night free of people running into her office informing of an attack or answering phone calls at indecent hours. _

_-You should be celebrating like the rest of the humans, my Master. - Perhaps she had sung her praises too early. _

_-¿What do you want Alucard? I do not recall calling you for any reason. - She felt shivers running through her body as Alucard materialized in front of her desk. His hat and glasses where gone but he was smiling cynically, as always._

_-Your boredom was screaming my name. After all, a servant must please his Master. – _

_-Do not bother me tonight Alucard. I want to complete these reports and go to bed. – She knew it was a lie, and knew that he knew she was lying. It was a game they liked to play. She almost jumped when she felt Alucard behind her but tried to hide it. _

_-Let's celebrate, let's sit together and enjoy the good company, Master. – Few things she had in her life to celebrate. She tried not to give him the pleasure of seeing the skin of her neck shivering as he talked, his lips barely touching her. She was about to grab her gun, but suddenly one of Alucard's hands appeared before her face, holding a glass of red wine. There he was, in front of her, holding in his other hand another glass and a bottle. _

_-As they say, I don't bite…much.- _

_-You're pushing my patience, servant. – Despite her scolding tone, she couldn't hide a little smile on her lips after his little joke. After all, they did have the habit of drinking something together. _

_-You know that I have few things to celebrate for in my life.-_

_-¿And how do you feel about that, my Master?- _

_-Don't mock me, Alucard; I am not in the mood today. – She sighed. She didn't know why she felt so tired that day, felt as if she were fifty instead of twenty two. _

_The vampire appeared behind her again and grabbing her by her shoulders he pushed her towards the little table that was in front __of the fireplace and made her sit on a chair. _

_-You are taking too many liberties with me this night, vampire. I should lock you in the basement for this.-_

_-Oh, come on, you know I'm attractive; I know you dream about me. - Integra was drinking her wine and she almost spat everything when she heard that. He had caught her off guard, damned wine, and damned vampire. This time she did grab her gun and fired two shots into his head. Alucard was laughing as he regenerated his body. This gave Integra time to hide her blush while she mentally damned him again. _

_-Idiot! Get out of here!-_

_-No, no, I come in peace tonight. Besides I have a gift for you, Lady Hellsing. – Alucard made a mocking bow before sitting on the other chair and filling a glass. Integra, for her part, had completely forgotten the comment about her dreams. A gift for her? She didn't know what to expect. Walter used to give her something for Christmas, nothing very important. But, Alucard?_

_-¿What are you talking about?-_

_-Twenty years ago, unfortunately for your father, I found my way out of the dungeons. I was walking freely through the corridors of the mansion, breathing the night's fresh air when oh! Surprise! I came face to face with nothing more and nothing less than Lady de Hellsing. She was a beautiful woman, I dare say, but she wouldn't reach you heels, my Master. She didn't have your courage either, for when she saw me she started screaming. Anyway, I ended up going back to the cell and they increased the protection. –_

_-Alucard, what does anything of this has to do with…hum…well, whatever it is you want to give me, anyway?- The situation was getting weirder. No one, even Walter, ever talked about her deceased mother. ¿What was the monster plotting? She ignored the comment about her beauty. After all, she was sure that he saw her as food and fun like the other human beings…or that was what she repeated to herself when she felt her body shiver under the gaze of the No Life King; because she deeply knew inside that those shiver weren't caused by fear._

_-Patience, patience. – He kept his smile as he drunk his wine. - It still doesn't taste as good as blood. Lady de Hellsing managed to throw this at me before she passed out. Seriously, I don't know what she was thinking if she thought she could damage me with this little thing. Anyway, you should have no doubt of its value, it is a fine jewel. - When he finished talking he took out from his coat a silver chain. Attached to the chain was a cross finely forged in silver, encrusted with precious stones. The pendant shone under the moonlight, casting a glow that was reflected on Integra's eyes. _

_Integra didn't know what to think. The necklace itself was priceless, __but its greatest value was that it had belonged to her mother. Few things she knew about Lady de Hellsing, she had seen only one picture that her father kept hidden as if it was a big secret. Walter once told her something about some letters when she was a child, but she could never find them. Her uncle must have burned them with the rest of her father's papers. _

_-…Thank you. – She mentally cursed at the sound of her own voice, it sounded weak. She didn't know what was happening to her that night. _

_-You are welcome, Master. –_

_Gently she placed the cross on the table and filled another glass with wine. They continued drinking in silence, enjoying the other's company. She didn't know if it was because of the wine she had had, or the gift or whatever but in an impulse Integra grabbed Alucard's glass and drunk it._

_-Master? - He raised an eyebrow, surprised. _

_-I guess you deserve this, I didn't prepare a gift and the custom says it should be an exchange. – When she finished saying this she grabbed a silver knife she carried with her and made a little cut on her wrist. Then she placed it over the glass and let the blood run slowly. She tried to put on a poker face and ignored the tremor running through her arm. Alucard watched every move she did very carefully, which was no help at all. Finally, when she started to feel dizzy because of the blood loss she pulled out her hand and pushed the glass. _

_-What are you waiting for? Drink! –_

_Alucard stayed frozen, he first stared at the glass and then at her bleeding wrist. With a quick movement he gently grabbed her hand and pressed his lips to the cut. Integra was about to scream at him but she had to eat her words when she felt his tongue lapping the wound. When the injury was clean, he took of his cravat and tied it around her wrist. _

_-That's it. –_

_Integra released the air she was holding without realizing it, it was really a weird night…_

She got up from her chair and went out to the balcony. It was deathly cold outside, but she couldn't care less, she walked as in a trance. In one hand she had the silver necklace, which she had worn on her neck since that night. It started to snow, but she ignored that too. With her sight lost somewhere in the dark and white, she continued remembering.

_Alucard took glass to his lips, closed his eyes, and smelled the blood. Still with his eyes closed, he started to drink slowly, enjoying each swig. Integra got up, taking the opportunity to get away as far as she could from her vampire while he was engrossed in drinking her blood. She was afraid of the feelings that were starting to wake up inside her, feeling that should be kept as a secret, no matter what happened. _

_-¨He's a monster, he's like all the creatures that the Hellsing family has to destroy…¿Why do I feel like this? ¨ - She knew very well why she felt like that. She had never been afraid of him; she had never felt the repulsion she felt towards the others nosferatu. He had always been there to help her, from the very beginning. He had been by her side even more than Walter. He had trained her, protected her, and taught her everything she needed to know to lead Hellsing. Even helped her to be respected by the other knights and taught her not to be afraid of the shadows. During those dark nights, when she was having nightmares, she knew he would be always there, in the darkest corner of the room, watching her dreams. However, when she grew up to be the strong woman she was now, she realized that she did not saw him as a father; she discovered there was something more. Something dark and marvelous. She knew exactly what it was but she couldn't and probably would never accept it. It was wrong. It went against everything her family fought, against everything she believed and against her duty._

_She looked out from the window to the city. She could see little lights twinkling, normal people should be probably celebrating. What would a normal life be like? How could they live so happily? Of course, they didn't know the danger that crawled around them. She tried, but she couldn't imagine herself living a life peaceful like them. She had grown up in the middle of silver bullets and blood. That was what she saw her entire life and it wasn't something easy to forget about. _

_-Your blood is as sweet as the first time, ten years ago, master. – Alucard, who had finished drinking; was now approaching the window, smiling like the cat that had drunk the whole tar of milk. It was in that moment when the clock struck twelve and the fireworks started all over the sky. Integra continued watching, she wasn't ready to turn and wore her cold mask, not yet. _

_-¿What's bothering your mind, Integra? - There were only a few steps between them. _

_-The noise. - She lied knowing that it wouldn't work; the vampire could enter into her mind and see what she was thinking. If that happened in that moment, she didn't feel strong enough to resist. _

_-Let's go.-_

_-Where? - She didn't realized what was happening until she saw the dark energy surrounding her, carrying her from the mansion to somewhere she didn't know. _

_-Alucard! What are you doing?!-_

_-Shhh, we are almost there.-_

_Integra couldn't answer because they arrived. Arrived where? She could not say. What she could say was that she was in front of one of the mot beautiful landscapes she had ever seen in her life. It was a meadow in front of the sea, but it was covered with snow. White and pure snow. She gave a few steps and breathed in fresh air. She felt how it run all over her body, reanimating her soul. She stayed there, watching the sea; she didn't know what she was feeling. _

_-We are far away from the city. You cannot hear those noisy humans here.- _

_-…-_

_-What is stopping you? – _

_-…What are you talking about?-_

_-You want to run, shout, and release everything that is inside your soul. All those emotions that you learned to repress all this years. I can see it clearly, the fear, the angst, the rage, the passion, all those pure feelings need to go out. Nobody is watching you; you don't have to respect or to keep up appearances here where we are. So what's stopping you?-_

_As she thought, Alucard had read what was happening inside her and understood it even before herself. She had been accumulating everything that happened to her all those years leading Hellsing, following her duty. Because of her duty she had learned how to fire a gun, plan battled, bark orders, and to kill. She felt a shiver running through her body, but she didn't change her firm position. _

_-You are still climbing to your pride; you still refuse to show fear. That's why I was impressed by you the first time I saw you Integra. You did not run when you saw me. No, with your head held high like a true Hellsing, you aimed at your uncle with your gun and killed him; choosing your destiny. – She could feel Alucard getting closer as he talked. –You were a child then and you already had potential. Now you are a strong woman…but you could be more. Now I can make you this offer. I shall confess I wanted to do it that day in the dungeons.-_

_-About what offer are you talking about? - In her heart she feared what the vampire was about to offer, because it was something she had been wishing for a long time. I was like a little ghost that came to bother her during night, every time she felt helplessness, during every discussion with those stupid knights. She felt Alucard's hands on her shoulders, she breathed in and closed her eyes; getting ready for what she was about to hear. _

_-It wasn't me who fired that night. It wasn't me who earned the respect of those stupid who are known as ¨knights¨, what a joke. It wasn't me who stopped fearing the shadows. You chose to live, to live to lead Hellsing, to follow your duty. To feel pain, rage, passion and maybe happiness sometimes. You have impressed me, as a human you are superior to me. That's why I want you to be the one who would walk next to me in the darkness, to live forever. So, now you know all of this. What's stopping you, may Countess? – _

_Now her whole body was trembling. She clenched her fists against her body, trying to calm down. She never wanted to believe she meant that much to him. That he saw her over all the other humans he had called ¨master¨. However, there was her Count, saying the words she wanted to hear most. She didn't dare to think of what she was feeling for Alucard in that moment, for when she accepted it, she would be lost forever. He had called her ¨Countess¨ as if she where his mate. Yes, those were the word she wanted to hear...and that was why she had to say ¨no¨. Damn her honor that tied her to her duty, damn the mission she had to accomplish for her country and her queen, and damn her Hellsing blood. _

_She wanted to shout at him how he dared to offer her something like that; how could he think she would lower herself like that; that he could go to hell and leave her alone. But none of those words were spoken because none were the truth. She breathed in again, and tried to find her voice. _

_-I just can't. - That was her answer. Her voice didn't tremble nor did it showed the regret she was feeling deep inside. She wanted to be free like he said, but it wasn't her mission in this world. Someone had to take care of Hellsing and she was the only one that could make it. She felt Alucard's hands pressing stronger her shoulders and, for a second, she didn't know how he was going to react. She startled when she heard the guffaw. _

_-There is never doubt in your decisions. I shall insist, you would be a marvelous vampiress.- He released her shoulders, walked until he was in front of her, and kneeled.- I am waiting for your orders, my master.- _

_Everything calmed down inside her when she saw her vampire kneeling, waiting for her orders. She put on her cold mask and a self-confident smile crossed her lips. She was in control again. _

_-I am tired. I want to return to the manor. – _

_-As you wish, Lady Hellsing.-_

_Alucard transported them and in the blink of an eye she was alone in her bedroom. She decided to stop thinking for the night. She only wanted to sleep and forget about what would have been possible. She was under the covers about to sleep when she heard Alucard's voice inside her head. _

_-This isn't the end, my Countess. I'll just have to try harder in my courtship. Someday you will accept my offer.-_

_-Alucard! Get out off my mind! - His laugh was the last thing she heard. She could sleep in spite of his words. What he said to her meant that he would be there by her side forever. _

She came round when she felt the pain in her hand and she saw she had grabbed the silver cross with such strength that she had a deep cut on her palm. She felt very deep the pain in her hand and in her chest and tears started to roll down from her eyes. There weren't sobs and whines, just tears on her cheeks. She cried for everything. For the war, for London, for her dead men, for Walter, for the betrayal, for all the blood and for the truth. She was finally accepting the truth. She cried because Alucard wasn't there and he would never come back, because of everything that could but would never be anymore. She was alone now, she had to start everything over again. She didn't know how or where would she find the strength to do it but would continue living. She couldn't do anything else.

She stood there, in the middle of the snow, watching to the night until her tears dried and she couldn't feel her body. In the end, she entered her room, closed the window and tried to stop thinking, like that night. She went to bed and tried to sleep.

Suddenly a strong wind opened her balcony and reached her bed. She opened her eyes as she thought she could hear a voice, a voice that she knew very well. She sat startled, but the room was empty, as it should be. When she relaxed she laid again. She didn't know why, but she felt very comfortable and at peace now. She swore she would never cry again…as she had swore when she was a little girl. No, she would keep going, she would return peace and purity to her lands, she would live.

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Well I know it's kindda sad for a Christmas fic...but we aren't in Christmas so xP I needed to write about Integra's feelings after the war. During the manga she shows she isn't made of stone, that's why I like the Inhtegra from the manga better than the one in the anime, she shows more emotions, so her feelings had to crack someday.

I really hope you liked it! If the translation was good I'll try to translate the second part to this story, but I don't promise enything!

Good Luck!

Demoness Raven


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